remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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