My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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