I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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