Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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