It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
