When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
