he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
