She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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