haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
why do cheetos always look like penises
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
