I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
