I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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