ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
