I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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