he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
