im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize