Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
