Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
