tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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