Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
