On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
