Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
