Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
