i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
