grandma shit on top of the toilet
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
