Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
