I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and i looked up. we had an audience...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
