Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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