you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
