what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
