Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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