He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
