We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
