You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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