If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize