I think im going to throw up on grandma
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
