She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
