She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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