and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the day after is always just damage control
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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