no, he came in my armpit
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
