I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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