you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
