I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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