Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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