having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I smell like Dick and happiness
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