We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
