Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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