take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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