Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
