My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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