Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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