our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize