life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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