Where did you get a picture of my penis
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
