got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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