my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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