The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
