when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
