I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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