Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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