Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
