I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize