Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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